I'm beginning to think that my social experiences over the last seven years, taking place, as they have, almost exclusively amongst other homeschooling families, are somewhat skewed. As rich and diverse as that community is in my big city and as much as it has grown in size exponentially in that same period it is a small world; a sub-culture populated by adults and children alike who, as a rule, don't fit (or don't want to fit) the school mold for equally diverse reasons.
My lack of a true societal cross section aside, however, I've come to the view that the most 'normal' people are those that are most adept at presenting the face they want you to see. It's easy to mistake their manufactured charm for true intimacy or conversely, fail to recognise true intimacy because it comes to you as slick as a PowerPoint presentation. Wait around long enough and there will be glimpses, but only ever that.
The only face I have.
Allusions can be made. They should imply a 'colourful' past, not a sojourn in the fiery pits of hell. There should be space for a slightly nervous laugh; a raised eyebrow or two; tongue in cheek. Chances are they will not have the imagination to follow you to those dark places. Don't challenge them to offer you something more real than a sweet smile. There's really nothing wrong with sweet as long as you're not too invested in it.
Many would argue, but I consider myself better adjusted than most (or at least more self-aware). In retrospect, I feel fortunate that I had the opportunity to face my demons; take them out for dinner and a movie, ask them back for 'coffee', then explain in bed over a shared cigarette that it's been great, but I don't think we should see each other again. Most people just skirt the edges of their dysfunction. I say get dirty with it. Embrace it. Then, when you're ready, let it go.
Just don't talk about it. I've heard blogging can be cathartic though.
We always thought that home-schooling would be our preferred choice. It just didn't work out that way.
ReplyDeleteYour post has me thinking again, about the worlds we create for ourselves. What we can be, to be happy at what we do, what we are capable of doing, according to our own experiences. The normal person is so imaginary, as you say its people that are willing to know themselves and deal with the dysfunction and be honest about who they are, that are far more adjusted and real, than the manufactured person who keeps all the crumbs swept under the carpet to rot and fester. Not gently laid out to the earth, where it can settle and bond and be exposed to the rain and sun.
Beautiful post. catharsis indeed.
A beautifully written post Tinsenpup. I applaud you homeschooling families. I couldn't do it. I wish you felt more able to be yourself though. It may be safer to hide but I reckon you gain more from getting out there and fighting for your beliefs. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeletelove it. you have a beautiful face, thank you for sharing your photo. and your colorful past, also beautiful. i think it's a fine line we walk between being honest and telling someone something that will make their head explode. while always keeping in mind that a few of them might have head-explosive things in their past too...
ReplyDeleteI had to hide a snicker because I (at age 62) am having the same problems. Any age can have us out there, trying to find an HONEST person. I'm inundated with old women who still think they're the homecoming queen and the talk still turns to diapers and childbirth as if it was yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to have to fix my hair and put on earrings and makeup just to be allowed to sit down and shut up while the old cheerleaders rehash their past.
I just want honest communication.
The few people for whom I do open doors into my past (which was not nearly so intense as yours) always seem shocked by how well-adjusted I seem to be. In many ways, I think I'm something of a mess, but I do think your view is correct - there's something about shaking hands with the darkest parts of oneself that makes it much easier to push forward and keep it together in an authentic, yet forward-looking way down the line.
ReplyDeleteIt's a hard balance to find, however, between openness and holding on, forgetting and forsaking oneself.
You're so right about finding balance, Melissa. That was beautifully expressed.
ReplyDelete