This day just got the better of me. There's only so much positivity I can muster in any 24 hour period and today's quota was utterly drained long before the sun went down. It was a typical Tuesday really, just sadder for some reason - tiredness perhaps.
All these petty sorrows accrued until I couldn't brush away their weight - awake too early; running late; surly ten-year-old raining on my attempt at happy hoop-la; driving; a friend not taking time; an acquaintance blustering and dismissive; feeling stupid and contagious - impotent; more failing to connect; following a grumpy toddler; giving her my energy; my love; my smiles; more driving; through the door with a tired, grumpy ten-year old and a still grumpy (always grumpy) toddler; more smiles; making allowances; attempts to cheer; giving the big girl her way in spite of her rudeness; yet more grumpiness in spite of the smiles and the allowances and the attempts at cheer and the getting of her way.
And that's it. I have nothing left to give. All that's left is an insurmountable pile of unpaid bills; never ending mess; a toddler still grumpy and screamy after her last vaccination along with a nagging fear that she may not recover herself and a ten year old who is such an amazing person, she regularly takes my breath away and who I adore with every last aching shred of my being, but who has always been so challenging to parent that I think I've been burnt out for her whole life.
And tomorrow I'll greet my children with a smile on my face and do it all again. And I really wouldn't trade it. Not for a second. Go Figure.
Doot just came in to tell me about Wawa counting money in the kitchen. "Six...seven...six...seven...six...dibby [truck]" and with a smile and a laugh, I remember who I am and that tomorrow will be better and I will be better and the bills will get paid eventually and that I went out and bought some river pebbles to paint with my children tomorrow and there are much worse ways to spend your days.
Thank you for reading.
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Thank goodness for those little reminders. The money counting sounds adorable, and "dibby" should totally be a number. I hope tomorrow is a better day with many more reminders of the good.
ReplyDeleteI'm loving hearing from you more often in this space.
You convey so well the feelings of being a parent, and the utter exhaustion to stay sane. The reality of it all, and the knowing you will do it all again, over and over.
ReplyDeleteThen the little angels simplify it all with their beautiful souls.
I read your Wednesday post before the Tuesday one. It's helpful to look at hard days with a memory of the good ones. You do this here.
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