My brain is a fractal today. It's one of those days of the month; in the cycle of me, where I aim to keep my peace, but seldom succeed. I've done okay today, but there's still time (and a blog post to be written).
I've been cleaning; making progress; cooking; pretending I'm organised, although the mess that is my home belies the truth. I've hurt a bit and worried about my health. Some time in the last few months, I went from feeling like a stupid kid, struggling to keep up; desperate just to be taken seriously, to feeling middle aged and left behind. I'm sure I've missed a step somewhere.
This has been the year of moving house and having a toddler (reinventing herself daily when she wasn't just being unwell); a ten year old growing to fit the world; and a new/old partner. I've remoulded our lives to allow him a space; let down metre thick concrete walls to love and be loved and in the process, made myself a better, more patient person. All of it it has demanded focus close to home. In spite of all my musings and conclusions on friendship and isolation, I just couldn't have been a good friend these last few months. I couldn't have made new friends; I know I'd only have drawn more bullshit to me and I've allowed more than enough of that into my life in the name of friendship. Lately people just make me tired.
Sometimes you need the opportunity to look inward, rather than seeing yourself always reflected through others' eyes, especially eyes tainted by their own journey never taken. Sometimes you need to be still and quiet so you can feel your own heart beating in your chest. So this is me creating irony out of thin air by blogging my quietude. This is me learning how to be. Sometimes I am a contradiction.