Nice Cape

I've been trying to catch up on some of my favourite blogs, but I find myself leaving lengthy, slightly needy comments, so I'm guessing I should probably be indulging my need to write over my need to read.

It's very late at night. I ate some chocolate while the children were in the bath earlier and such is my woosiness in the face of sugar and caffeine (gasp!) that now I can't sleep and I'm afraid that it seems the clock just struck maudlin-o'clock. I remember compulsively snorting line after line after line of speed and bouncing around in my own head like this. Is it ironic that all it takes now is a bar of chocolate (eaten equally compulsively)? Maybe it's karma. I'm pretty sure it's something. Let me know if you have an idea what.

I've been quite socially isolated for several months now. A few events coincided to instigate a period of exile. It's gone on long enough now though that I'm losing proper perspective and becoming poor company when I do find myself in close proximity to adult humans not of my household.

To be honest, life has never fitted well. It's like a velvet cape that I so want to wear, but once I put it on, I know I just look like a failed hobbit. And then I sit in my ill-fitting cape, the hood drawn up around my face, watching everybody else flit by in comfortable little groups looking like packs of badass vampires or enigmatic elves or even nuggety but pragmatic dwarves.

I recognise that much of that ever-present sense of alienation is in my head, but the habits of a painful childhood tend to be the hardest to shake off.

Those coinciding events? One of them involved finding out that a woman I had allowed myself to grow unusually fond of wasn't who I had convinced myself she was. All the evidence had been laid out before me, but I'd been persistently ignoring it despite its mounting nature. It was only in the face of the undeniable that I was finally forced to confront my poor judgement. That was a bummer. I think I should be better than that now. I don't think I should be making mistakes like that anymore. Who do you trust when you can't trust yourself?

I confronted the situation - which proved pointless and painful for all involved. There was no reason to cause her distress by then, she had already walked away. It was a lame attempt to connect more authentically and frankly it was and is a definite case of shitting in the nest. Writing this here probably makes it worse. Ouch.

I keep craving greater honesty though. I am me. This is who I am. I am not always good. I just want to stop seeking your approval and I don't want my life to turn to shit when you decide you don't like me.